When I went to the ER on December 28, 2017, I was told I had a 50-50 chance at my pregnancy continuing. When my doctor called me later that day, she told me that the other doctors hadn’t been honest about my progesterone levels. Short of a miracle, I was going to be on the losing side of those odds. I prayed all that afternoon for that miracle…but I forgot that there’s more than one kind of miracle. Don’t we all tend to get caught up in praying for THE MIRACLE that we forget there’s also a miracle in healing after something terrible happens?
So before all the posts start flooding for Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day, I want to share my story.
God Works Miracles Even After a Miscarriage
But first, I want to tell you about the presentation folder in this picture. It’s my college presentation book. I used it for speeches. I used it to read my stories in front of people. I taped a note on it, “Every silvertongue starts somewhere. Make the story come alive today.” So every time I went to speak, I would remember to drop all the guards I normally keep up in front of people so that I could make my words to come to life with my own voice.
It became a kind of totem for me as it represented hours of prayer, of fighting fear, and of being brave. At some point, that binder completely disappeared.
The Chasm Effect of Miscarriage
Now let you tell me about the valley I went through after miscarrying. I don’t want anybody to think, “Well, you just didn’t experience things the same way I did. I’m hurt.” I’ve always wanted to be a writer. I’ve typed hundreds of thousands of words on stories, news articles, blogs, and more. I went to college to learn the skills to present (hence the folder.) Before I miscarried, I was working on query letter and edits on a manuscript. I was trying to get it done before pregnancy and a newborn slowed me down again for awhile. It took a lot of time and energy.
When I lost my baby, it devastated me to the point that I dropped my lifelong passion. Then, I destroyed it. I felt so angry every time I picked up my computer knowing all those files were there. Why was I working so hard? I would have traded it all not to have miscarried. So I deleted everything I could find. After all, I had most things backed up on a USB drive that I could go dig up if I ever changed my mind. And for a year, I didn’t. We moved. I lost the USB drive. There were still a few old pre-college files on another drive but my best works were completely gone. I didn’t care.
I “healed” from the emotional rawness of my miscarriage, but there was still something terribly wrong inside me. It was like I had climbed out of a chasm but the ground kept crumbling away so that, at the slightest misstep, I would tumble back into its abyss. It was a pain I thought I would have to endure for the rest of my time on Earth.
How God Healed My Heart
God did something incredible. He filled in that chasm completely.
I can pinpoint specific things that spoke to me, like the night my pastor led the congregation in a prayer exercise. He wanted us to envision being in a garden. I kept finding myself in Ezekiel’s graveyard instead. I realized I had been denying God’s power to heal just because He didn’t heal me the way I most wanted. Could God bring my dead bones back to life? Definitely! Most of it happened slowly, though, through brief conversations, Bible study, and just being active in church.
Can God Redeem Miscarriage into Hope?
Which brings us up to today. Is it possible that miscarriage can be a source of joy and inspiration? Yes, it can.
That isn’t to diminish to pain. I’m not writing it to add new guilt and condemnation onto the hearts of any mom who is still in the chasm. I am simply sharing my own testimony. I can say it’s possible because it is true for my life.
Here’s some of the good that came from it:
- I remember to relish the time I have with people
- I imagine stories differently, not shying away from extreme pain and loss
- I can write more poignantly when I want to do emotions
- I’ve learned to rely more fully on Jesus to sustain my life (which includes heart, soul, strength, and mind)
- I have an entire new rough draft that I’m editing based on all the Bible passages that spoke to me during my miscarriage journey
- I have more compassion on people when they are struggling with loss
Most importantly, my miscarriage has transformed my idea of heaven. Where heaven once seemed kind of bland, it now seems sweet. Jewels and streets of gold never appealed to me much, but meeting my other child is more precious than both.
God works miracles all the time. It’s just sometimes not the miracles we want. And sometimes, it’s not the miracles we expect.
The Unexpected Miracle of the Presentation Binder
A few months ago, I went to search through all the shelves and notebooks for my presentation folder. I’m not sure why I was looking for it. I didn’t have a clue what would be inside if I did manage to find it. For the first time, I realized that it was also missing. Weird, right? It’s easy to pack in a box and I had no reason to target it for removal when I first fell into the chasm.
A few weeks ago, I got a package from a sweet friend of mine. Inside was my binder safe and sound. It had been gone for somewhere around three years. I was confused as to why she even had it until I read her note and then looked inside.
There are several pieces of writing that I regretted losing but there is one story that was so precious to me that I was sad. The one draft I had of this story was last edited when I was 17. That means I lost five years of experience of improving as a writer on that story.
Inside my portfolio, safely preserved past the danger of my depression, was that story in its most up-to-date revision. Slowly, the memories came flooding back. My friend had asked for a copy of my story. In a hurry and not trusting I would remember to email it later, I had just handed her the entire manuscript. Now, clueless about everything that happened in the three years after that point, my friend had returned it to me.
So what’s the point? God is so mighty that even when you think you’ve crushed your dreams and hopes, He can restore them to you with a simple, seemingly insignificant, chain of events.
God works miracles. We just miss it sometimes because we pray so strongly for one miracle that we miss the fact there’s a miracle in the healing, too.